tl;dr: Anger signals an unmet need. Rooted in fear, it often comes with delusional narratives and ineffective actions. However, it is possible to both fully validate the emotional experience and take realistic and effective action. To live loving anger.
Epistemic state: I feel very confident in this one, though it is impossible for me to point to specific influences.
When have you felt anger the last time? How do you receive it when you feel it? Do you welcome it and listen fully and patiently to what it has to tell? Or does it take over and creates action to make things as they should be? Or maybe you shovel it away, afraid of the harm it could cause, and hope it will never come back.. unwittingly piling up resentment deep, deep down?
Anger signals an unmet need. Damn, I will arrive too late. It often comes with a narrative on what in the environment is causing it and recommendations on how to change it. The person in front of me seems to be intentionally moving so slow; let's push this *** to speed up. However, anger is always rooted in a fear: That if things don't improve, the need won't be met. And that is valid. Your needs count.
I want to point out in this post what I think is a very unfortunate dynamic I commonly observe. It feels soothing and validating to believe the narrative of an emotion. It wants to be seen, its message to be fully heard. However, such beliefs are often created from very little information, adopted from someone else, or very old. In either case, they often only partially match (if at all) what is actually true in the current environment. In particular if it is subconscious it may never be sufficiently compared against the actual reality, and disconfirming evidence becomes too uncomfortable, too invalidating, to acknowledge; because what feels good is not necessarily accurate, but whatever seems to help meeting needs. The problem with such delusion is that, in all actuality, it is much less likely to lead to actions that are effective in actually meeting the need. Simply following recommendations of anger based in delusions is rarely improving things, often even making things worse.
Now we have what is commonly seen as a dilemma: Either I acknowledge my anger or I am accepting the state of the world as it is. Either leaving it out or pushing it down. And it seems we'd have to compromise between these two options, to get the best trade-off between feeling validated and not making things worse. Furthermore, questioning or even refusing the narrative in favor of evidence from reality is not only invalidating the anger, it also would make its recommendations look unnecessarily harmful − causing uncomfortable shame of being a bad person. In effect, it may feel best to affirm the narrative – which often conveniently sees others as the cause of needs being unmet, effectively outsourcing the responsibility to take care of them – and maybe creating what feels right and just, dependent on if it feels safe enough to do so.
Delusion arising from fear does not only draw a wrong picture of reality, it also comes with a demand of how things should be (or shouldn't). It almost feels like a personal insult, a betrayal by the universe, if it becomes too clear that that desired reality doesn't happen. Or, even worse, it does happen, but the need is still unmet! In this way, anger can feed on itself, or even spiral out in interaction with fear of it. And even more, if it involves others that seem to push into the opposite direction, there is an ever stronger urge to push back, leading to polarization and eventually a total loss of a shared reality that is necessary for a functioning social group.
I want to propose a radically different approach: I can acknowledge my anger and accept the state of the world as it is. Firstly, realize that you are not your thoughts, but the awareness on which they appear. From this position, I can hear out the anger and actively collaborate with it: Getting clear about what need is unmet. Accepting the anger's narrative as one possible perspective and getting curious about how things actually are, to determine what action would realistically help to meet that need. I consult other parts in me what feels most in line with my values, with the person I want to be and the environment I want to create and live in. In fact, anger can be highly informative about what ways of living I value. And then I take action that is both rooted in clear-minded, present care and validates the anger through effective action more than anything else could. I will arrive too late. That's how it is. I will ask the person in front of me kindly to let me go first, so I may be more punctual than otherwise. This is what I call loving anger.
Sometimes we can't take an effective action, we are out of options. The most important part is to stay grounded in reality. This allows to hear out and hold the anger and other emotional experiences, while looking for ways to adapt or prevent things getting worse. This is sometimes really hard and uncomfortable. Maybe we unexpectedly find ways to improve things, if we allow us to see things clearly. The truth is that things just happen, if we like them or not, and we don't have a right to single-handedly decide the state of everything, nor could we if we wanted. We can make plans to know how to act according to our values in various possible futures, but not to determine the future we want.
How do we know we see reality as it is? Delusion is so problematic precisely because it looks so real. In particular if the belief is very old, the neural pathways are well-established and it can feel undoubtedly correct. While it is helpful to engage in self-reflection and actively notice or gather disconfirming evidence, I found the most helpful to stay deeply present with my own experience. Then there is space to acknowledge the fear and allow alternative perspectives to emerge. At the same time, some delusions are very common in society, and an accurate understanding may actually feel delusional, creating a similar uncertainty to critical self-reflection. In either case, being aware of the unmet needs and taking effective action to meet them is often helpful regardless of how accurate the beliefs underlying the anger are.
It takes practice to live loving anger, to notice anger in the moment it comes up and to develop the internal (and external) trust to acknowledge and hold the experience. The crucial step is to accept how things already are; which doesn't mean staying passive or even approving of injustice, but rather hearing out, seeing clearly, and adapting to what is – allowing to take genuinely helpful action. A social system, internally as externally, thrives by integrating information from all corners and developing resilience through diversity. Only by being honest, to ourselves and to others, and rooting our actions in love we can empower ourselves and others to create the world we want ✨