On shame

tl;dr: Shame is a mental wound due to the need for worthiness being unmet. It not only creates immediate suffering, but also can drive humans into the most horrible deeds. A solution requires fundamental changes in culture and socioeconomic systems.

Epistemic state: My thinking on shame here is largely influenced by Violence (1997) by James Gilligan, some books on trauma, and other resources, as well as lots of discussions with different people in my social bubble. I feel quite confident about most claims, though I'd be happy to see more statistical evidence.

Today, I'm going to talk about the presumably darkest place in a human's soul: shame. We all experience shame to some extent (e.g., embarrassment, rejection, feeling of inferiority), but not all dare to go into these corners of the mind. And, like so many things, shame is not distributed equally.

But first, let's get some definitions straight. A sense of worthiness is a fundamental human need. Shame is simply the feeling arising when this need is unmet. In other words, shame is a lack of self-worth. To be more specific, shame is a belief to be morally bad, in some ways. That is, there is something attached to the self, an aspect of one's identity, that is perceived morally bad and hence threatens the very integrity and coherence of the self. It usually arises from blame and judgement, and if repeated (often until internalized and automatized), the perpetual devaluing can create a persistent, deep belief of worthlessness. Hence you could think of shame as an emotion, a reaction to a signal to "be unworthy", or as a mental wound. I'd guess the original function of shame is to make sure that the individual doesn't act too much against the group's interest and gives the group a tool to prevent inequality and violence. Nevertheless, as I will explain below, shame is used in many cultures way beyond this original purpose, and thus I prefer to think of shame as a wound.

I'd also like to contrast shame with guilt, because the two are unfortunately often conflated. Guilt is the belief to have done something morally bad. Healthy forms of guilt temporarily reduce self-worth to motivate change in behavior, but also allow the need to quickly be met again. Used in unhealthy ways (e.g., by not actually changing the behavior, or criticizing too many or unchangeable behaviors), repeated or chronic guilt can also reduce self-worth chronically. That is, guilt can lead to shame. Meanwhile, when there is little self-worth left, guilt can't be experienced anymore. Shame decreases guilt. No one feels as innocent as a criminal. No one feels as guilty as a saint.

Shame is contagious. Its transmission often happens by means of violence of some form, psychological or physical. For example, gendered socialization easily leads to the suppression of central aspects of oneself, the hidden existence of which then leads to shame. And also the act of perpetrating violence itself creates or deepens shame wounds. But shame doesn't even have to be caused by an active act. Neglecting a child, for example, "merely" not taking responsibility to meet its needs, often leads the child to internalize a belief of insufficiency, a shame wound. Besides of contagion, socioeconomic inequality is the main driver of creation of new shame wounds. But also genuine accidents, even a simple faux pas, can lead to shame. Paradoxically (and setting deeper wounds aside), the minor the issue that created the shame, the greater the shame, because many people judge themselves harshly for feeling ashamed for it.

Gilligan goes in Violence even so far to say that shame is a necessary precondition for violence. A staggering 400'000 homicides and 800'000 suicides happen every year. Further, a probably even higher, though harder-to-count number of deaths are caused by structural violence, due to active or careless construction and reinforcement of systems promoting inequality. Warfare, risk-taking behavior, and unsafe working conditions just add to these numbers. And lethal violence is only the tip of the iceberg. I'd expect non-lethal violence to be much more widespread, causing even more suffering (but it's also harder to find reliable statistics on it.) Child abuse, intimate partner violence, or bullying are common consequences, just to name a few. Thus, resolving shame would not only reduce immediate suffering, but also the suffering caused by its consequences. The current rates of these consequences seem far off from the original function of shame. As of now, I see shame wounds as one of the most overlooked, though fundamental problems of humanity, because it is the hidden root cause of so much suffering, deeply intertwined with inequality and lack of cooperation.

Let's turn to possible solutions. I already alluded to a very central one above: healing shame wounds. This not only would require every individual to examine the scariest corners of their minds and, if necessary, find ways to draw their validation and source of worthiness from within themselves, but also fundamental changes in social norms, replacing shame or guilt motivation with non-judgemental cooperation and punishment with healing. Further, structural changes of the social and economic systems need to end the creation and transmission of shame, and instead prevent shame by removing systemic discrimination of any kind and promote healing. I have no idea how we as humanity can manage to achieve that, but it seems to me that this is the direction to go, if we want to reduce suffering. The dignity of a human is non-negotiable.